The Hearty Drinking Song

O some they play Bob Marley
And mellow out with weed
I opt for hops and barley
It works out well indeed
So smoke your dusty reefer
Or suck your homemade bong
For I will stand with beer in hand
And my hearty drinking song

With a ho ho ho and a hey hey hey
My Hearty Drinking Song.

It's beer the noble beverage
Of which I sing tonight
A little elbow leverage
Will keep you good and tight
I won't drink wine or sherry
Because I'm not from France
I was born right here so give me beer
God damn where are my pants

With a ho ho ho and a hey hey hey
My Hearty Drinking Song.

There's alcohol in this brown ale
It's not a large amount
But if you have sixteen of them
Rest easy, it'll count
A high school kid will risk his neck
To get a can or two
But I am thirty and a half
I think I'll have a few

With a ho ho ho and a hey hey hey
My Hearty Drinking Song.

My mother's family's all right
They're San Francisco Irish
When I go there we all get wet
And dewy-eyed and smilish
My uncle Peter's for a priest
My great-aunt Jean's a nun
They drink like fiends sent straight from hell
And Jean, she's got a gun

With a ho ho ho and a hey hey hey
My Hearty Drinking Song.

If you are a teetotaler
That's your God-given right
But it will take an act of God
To get me home tonight
I'll have the one I'm holding
I'll have some of its friends
And then I'll go joyriding
In your Mercedes Benz

With a ho ho ho and a hey hey hey
My Hearty Drinking Song.

I've never smoked a cigarette
Cause I'm afraid of cancer
My family's susceptible
That is my standard answer
I will not touch cigar nor pipe
Don't want no halitosis
But look out liver here it comes
I'll chance it with cirrhosis

With a ho ho ho and a hey hey hey
My Hearty Drinking Song.

I guess I've thrown away my life
I pass the day in bed
I've alienated my young wife
My daughter hangs her head
I sneeze and it is silver
I cough and it is gold
So quick hand me another stein
Of gleaming bitter cold

With a ho ho ho and a hey hey hey
My Hearty Drinking Song.

The end is coming closer
My song is nearly sung
I cannot walk so pour my drink
Into my iron lung
"I loved to drink" my tombstone reads
In case you couldn't tell
I wish they drank in heaven
So I guess I'll drink in hell

With a ho ho ho and a hey hey hey
My Hearty Drinking Song.

(I wrote this. Copyright me and stuff.)