Why I Am Dropping Out of NaNoWriMo
I really wanted to do this, but there's just no way. My life is so up in the air right now, my time is so limited right now, my relationships are so important right now, everything's stretched too tight. Plus, my first chapters have all self-destructed themselves, and it's been because I've been too tired or too worried about 'quality' or 'story' and all that crapola I always get hung up on. But that's not really it. What it's about is APPRECIATION.

I've been thinking about this for a long time--I even titled my first (half-written then abandoned) novel Appreciation. My basic deal is that I don't really appreciate what I have. I have so many CDs and albums and cassettes that I love SO MUCH, but all I can think of is what I'm getting next. This greed has led to me writing too many reviews, missing deadlines, promising things to people that I can't deliver; more importantly, it's led to me not being able to enjoy Sunday morning cartoons with my children, because I'm writing reviews on the laptop.

And what should I appreciate more than time with my kids? Than interactions with my wife? Than just simply listening to music, enjoying it, analyzing it even though it might be a few months or years old? What do I need that I don't have?

Well, one of the things I have always wanted is that mythical grown-up writing career. Yeah, I already have four books published in real form and one on the internet (that "read 'the sanchez report' link to the right will take you there), and they're all good, but they're for kids, and I still have one little tiny part of myself that thinks that it's my destiny to write for people who can afford their own books. (See, I work like a dog to establish something, and then I don't appreciate what I have. Pathetic.)

That Nobel Prize Grown-up Book Famous Writer Guy dream was one of the things I hoped to rekindle by writing My Homonculus on NaNoWriMo. (Which is, if you're too lazy to click this link, a deal where you're supposed to stop whining and just hunker down and write a 50,000 word novel in November. Great idea! Great incentive! Just...

...just crap timing, for me right now in my life. I need to appreciate what I already have, and appreciate the dangers/difficulties/challenges coming up for me, for us, for my whole world. So yeah, sorry My Homonculus, the deck was stacked against you from the start.

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